The Lighter Side of Gun Registration

Posted: July 31, 2013 in Humor, Livin' in the USA, Politics


by S.C. Hitchcock, author of Disbelief 101: A Young Person’s Guide to Atheism

In most states, you must register hand guns used for self-defense. The government cannot tell you not to have a gun; they just want to know that you have it. If you use a non-registered gun for self-defense, the government gets mad, not because you used a gun, but because you didn’t tell them you had it in the first place. So if the police show up after you’ve shot a man they will ask you more questions about whether or not you told somebody that you had the gun than about the actual shooting. If you told some government body about your gun, it will probably be okay that you shot someone. If you didn’t tell them about it, it probably won’t.

This is too confusing. I’m not going to carry a registered gun. I’m going to carry a registered sex offender instead. If I feel threatened, I’ll say something like “Back off dude, or Dave will molest you.”

If the police show up after Dave molests my hypothetical assailant, I’ll say “It’s okay, he’s registered.”

Because of the way the word “registered” is used in conjunction with guns, some people think it’s synonymous with “licensed.” They must think that registered sex offenders went through some kind of training. When they hear “this man is a registered sex offender,” they must think he passed a test with questions like “What is the best way to lure a child off the playground?” A. By using candy B. By posing as a long lost uncle C. By bringing Transformers D. By using a lasso.

The phrase “sex offender” itself is odd. What it should mean is someone who offends sex. We don’t call people who commit crimes with guns “gun offenders.” And just how can one offend sex or guns?

Shouldn’t people who commit sex and gun crimes be called “victim offenders”?

  1. Don Manning says:

    Ha, this is some mighty witty stuff!


  2. […] The Lighter Side of Gun Registration […]


  3. […] The Lighter Side of Gun Registration […]


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