Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up (Exodus excerpt)

Posted: September 17, 2014 in Christianity, Humor, Religion
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Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, by G. Richard Bozarth, front coverBible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, by G. Richard Bozarth,  is a collection of translations by Dr. Sebaceous Piafraus from the unjustly neglected Terminally Ill Sea Scrolls that reveals the appalling realities of many Bible stories. This is a portion of the “Exodus Scroll.”

 

 

Moses always felt very nervous when Yahweh showed up. What man could know what mood the supreme being would be in? Moses sure didn’t.

“Do you think it’s Yahweh?” Aaron whispered, his beautiful voice full of fear.

“I hope so. We’re in deep road apples if Yahweh doesn’t show up pretty soon.”

The rock rolled up to the two men and stopped five cubits from them. “Hi, guys,” the rock said pleasantly.

Not at all surprised by a talking rock, Moses asked cautiously, “Are you Yahweh? If you ain’t Yahweh, get your pagan buns movin’ on down the road. Nobody wants you here.”

“Not to worry, guys,” the rock said reassuringly. “I’m Yahweh, but not exactly, you see.”

Moses and Aaron exchanged perplexed looks. This definitely was not Yahweh’s usual awesome booming style. “No, I don’t see,” Moses replied suspiciously.

“I’m Jesus Christ.”

“What the Sheol? I never heard of no Jesus Christ! You’re some damn pagan god tryin’ to fake me out, ain’t you? It won’t work, puke. You best be rollin’ your buns on to some other place. My god’s the king here and nobody’s lookin’ for a replacement. There’s plenty of pagans around who’ll be glad to worship you, whoever you are, not that I want to know. We’re Yahweh’s chosen people and that settles it as far as you’re concerned.”

The rock laughed amiably. “Now, take it easy, Moses. I am who I am. Really. Trust me. I’m here to take care of the water problem, and to give you a little hint about what could happen if the Hebrews blow their gig as my chosen people.”

Moses looked perplexed. Aaron looked even more confused. Moses said, “Look, if you’re Yahweh, then what? We should call you Jesus Christ now? I mean, whatever name you want, that’s the name we’ll use. Yahweh, Jesus Christ, you name it — uh, I mean, name yourself.”

“No, I’m Jesus Christ, the son of Yahweh, meaning myself, but I’m still a distinct person as Jesus Christ and also simultaneously a distinct person as Yahweh, but the sons of Israel will call me Yahweh for as long as they’re Hebrews. I don’t even really have to be Jesus Christ again, but I will if you make me.”

Aaron said, “Huh? If you’re Jesus Christ now, why wouldn’t you be Jesus Christ always? I mean, you’re eternal and all that, right?”

“I know it’s confusing, but, trust me, this is how it might be if it has to be, and that depends on you keeping the faith and obeying all the laws I’ll be giving you pretty soon.”

That confused Aaron even more. He asked, “So, like, you’re your son while you’re also your father, but not right now, just sometime later?”

The rock chuckled, “Close. Let me explain it again. I’m the Son of God, but I’m also my father, meaning I’m also God the Father. So I’m both Yahweh and Jesus Christ. I’m also the Holy Ghost, but I won’t get into that for now. Just keep in mind that I’m one god, not three gods. At the moment, I’m predominantly Jesus Christ, but also simultaneously Yahweh and the Holy Ghost, because in all things I am who I am and the unity of my trinity isn’t to be questioned, at least not by my true believers.”

Aaron struggled mightily to comprehend, then thought he had it. He grinned as he said, “Of course! Jesus Christ is just an alias!”

“No, doofus, I’m here before you as Jesus Christ, a complete and entire person. Did you not pay attention?” the annoyed deity demanded.

Aaron’s mind was blown. He just stared stupidly. Moses wasn’t much closer to understanding, even though he was a much better theologian than his brother. Diplomatically he asked, “Could you say it in simpler terms?”

“OK, one more time. This is as simple as it gets. Ready? The Father (that’s me when I’m Yahweh, which I always am, but not necessarily predominantly) isn’t created or begotten. The Son (that’s also me, and what I am predominantly now while still being entirely the other two) is begotten without participation by the Holy Ghost, but the Father didn’t make or create the Son. The Holy Ghost (the third person I am while simultaneously being only one deity, but I won’t be predominantly that person now, since it wouldn’t help you figure this out) isn’t made or created or begotten by the Father or the Son, but proceeds from both. The Father is one Person, the Son is one Person, and the Holy Ghost is one Person. But the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost make only one God. I strongly advise not muddling the Persons, and don’t even try to divide the Substance. That means I am who I am no matter who I am predominantly at any given moment. Three Persons are one God and one God is three Persons, all equally eternal, and none is not even the tiniest fraction of a second older than the others. Now, isn’t that simple?”

Moses’ and Aaron’s heads spun wildly. Neither was able to comprehend the plain, clear explanation of the triune glory of the god of the Hebrews, the one true god, who was the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost simultaneously and also individually predominantly whenever he felt he had to be predominantly one of the three.

Aaron looked as if he wanted to go to his tent and lie down for a long time. Moses pulled his beard, squinted, mumbled, thought mightily, but finally had to ask, “Uh, you mean you begot yourself without existing before yourself? I mean, you’re your father, but you didn’t exist before the part of you that sired the other part of you?”

Then his over-extended brain produced a sudden new idea that made much more sense, and he looked at the rock suspiciously as he charged, “You gotta be some damn devious pagan deity tryin’ to fool us!”

An awesome voice boomed from the rock, “You fool! You’ll never figure it out. Maybe no Hebrew will ever figure it out. Well, I’m here to warn you that, if the Hebrews don’t want to have to figure it out, or suffer the consequences of failing to figure it out, they better keep all the laws that I’ll be giving to you and they damn sure better never ever convert to other gods or goddesses! If they fail me, I will give them for enemies peoples who haven’t even heard of me yet — who aren’t even nations yet.

“These peoples will speak languages the Hebrews will have to learn and one day there’ll be Hebrews who can’t speak Hebrew and don’t want to! The worst of the Hebrews’ enemies will be seriously mean religious bigots who won’t respect the old or pity the young if they don’t worship as they do. These enemies will eat the best of the Hebrews’ cattle and crops and mercilessly exploit the Hebrews’ labor until the Hebrews can’t remember when they were prosperous. The peoples I empower will leave the Hebrews with just enough to survive and eventually the enemies will terminate the Hebrew nation. The war will put all the Hebrew towns under siege until the strongest walls collapse. The Promised Land will become the possession of the peoples I now bless. They will own all the towns that I will be giving you at the end of the Exodus. Those who survive will live all their lives wishing the Hebrews had never been liberated from slavery in Egypt.

“If the Hebrews do not obey the laws I’ll be giving you to write down, they can forget about the blessings of prosperity and increasing national importance. It will be my delight to inflict ruin and insignificance on them. They will be exiled from the Promised Land and I’ll disperse them all over the earth to live as humble minorities in nations they’ve never heard of yet, and the nations that will be the worst for them will be those that worship me in all my triune glory. They’ll live in fear every day from birth to the grave, centuries and centuries of fear, among peoples who believe in my multiple Personhood and despise the Hebrews for clinging to the single-Person monotheism I will have discarded. The laws that will require the Hebrews to despise pagans, heretics, apostates, and humanists, if they wish to serve me and be spared the consequences of making me real peckish, will be interpreted by my Trinity worshippers as commandments that require them to despise the Hebrews. Among these nations there’ll be times when the Hebrews will think the worst is over, then I’ll lay some more heavy hand on them. Those who manage to survive will go on living night and day in fear. Even if I allow some Hebrews to prosper, never will I give them the comfort of security. Centuries and centuries of the heavy hand, that is what’s going to happen to your descendants if you make me come again as Jesus Christ. The body count will increase as each new tragedy crushes your descendants like you will crush the pagans when I bring you to the Promised Land.

“But it doesn’t have to be that way. This is a warning. I don’t have to be a three-person deity on the earth. In fact, when I’m done here you and all Hebrews will continue to experience me as the one-person deity the Hebrews have worshipped for as long as I have been among them. But fail me and humans on the earth will only experience me as a three-person god. I will walk among the Hebrews as Jesus Christ again, except I’ll be in a human body instead of a boulder. I’ll offer them a new way to find salvation, but it won’t be their traditional way and it will be hard for them to accept. Woe to them if they do not! If the day comes when I again let humans experience me as the Trinity, that day will be the beginning of when the Hebrews remember being slaves in Egypt as like having been in a paradise.”

That awesomely booming voice removed all his doubts. Moses knew the voice of Yahweh by now! His joy was so tremendous that he paid not the slightest attention to the awful prophecy given to him. He didn’t care about what name Yahweh wanted to be called or how many persons Yahweh said he was. He had more pressing problems, and they needed a miracle or two right now. Some other time maybe it would be nice to try to comprehend what this Trinity stuff was all about. At the moment he had a rebellious people dying of thirst and a hostile army approaching. But more than that, he again had the only shoulder he could cry on.

Moses unburdened himself to Yahweh. “Where have you been? Why are you tormenting your slave? Why do you view me so unfavorably that you load the weight of this entire nation on me? Did I conceive these losers and give them birth, entitling you to order me, ‘Carry them on your chest like a foster father carrying a suckling infant, to the land I swore to give their ancestors’? I’m more like a wet nurse with a spoiled brat hanging on her nipple like he wants to bite it off!

“I was as good as a prince in Egypt. I had it easy. I could’ve skated through life and not even got bruised, but no, I had to care about these people. I had to give it all up because I felt guilty I didn’t share their ordeals. Then I found peace and happiness in Midian, but you came along. ‘I’ve seen the way the Egyptians oppress my chosen people,’ you said, ‘so I’m sending you to pharaoh so you can lead my nation the Israelites out of Egypt.’ What’s my reward? Stranded out here in the middle of nowhere, no water to drink, hostile troops marching on us, and all these bitchin’ an’ moanin’ losers about ready to stone me!

“Where am I to find water for all these crybabies? We’re so weakened by thirst I probably couldn’t field a thousand men fit for battle. I can’t hump this load by myself, you know, and I ain’t the one who dreamed up this whole exodus thing! If all you’re going to do is dump road apples on me, kill me now and save my people the trouble! I thought I was your number one boy, but you never told me I’d be in misery like this!”

Yahweh said to Moses, “One thing the Hebrews are good at is bitching and moaning.”

“Tell me about it!”

“Well, relax, I know your problems and you know I have solutions to them all. First off, don’t sweat the Amalekites. You’ll kick their buns when the time comes because I’m with you. It’ll be good practice for the buns-kicking you’ll have to do in Canaan before you actually own the place. The water problem’s no problem. Stand by for another reason to worship none other than me. Now, Moses, just whack me with your staff.”

Moses did this, and promptly a steam of yellowish water flowed out of the point of impact. At Yahweh’s bidding, the brothers drank. The liquid was rather warm, but they were too thirsty to complain.

Aaron praised, “Ahhhh, profoundly delicate, slightly fruity, yet not without solid body, but at the same time decidedly spiritual.”

“Yeah, and it tastes good too,” Moses added.

“Hey, I am who I am,” Yahweh bragged. “My road apples don’t stink and my pee tastes like wine.”

Aaron immediately turned green and fell to his knees vomiting. Moses looked on in disgust, saying, “You wuss! I’m ashamed we’re related! I can’t believe I felt sorry for your sad buns and got you put on as my executive officer!”

Aaron recovered and begged Yahweh to forgive him. Yahweh said, “Forget about it! You’re only human. Let’s get on into the camp and let everybody drink up until they’re feeling fat, dumb, and happy again.”

Moses suggested, “Maybe we should let ‘em think it’s just water.”

“I can live with that.”

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