Sinai, Egypt (API) — Authorities announced today that they had freed Jehovah (aka “Yahweh,” “God,” “The Creator of the Universe,” “The Maker of All Things”) from a cramped cell in a terrorist training camp where He had been held incommunicado for ten thousand years.
At his first press conference after his release, a gaunt, disheveled Jehovah told reporters that He was aghast at damn near everything that had been done in His name since His abduction at gunpoint at the dawn of agriculture.
Growing visibly more angry as He denounced abuse after abuse, the Deity paused in the midst of His diatribe to thunder, “Here! This says it all! Witch burnings and the Inquisition were bad enough, and boy they were bad!, but check out drawing and quartering!”
The enraged Creator paused and lowered His voice. “Doesn’t sound too bad, ‘drawing and quartering,’ does it?” His voice steadily rising, He explained, “What it means is they took some poor slob, some ‘heretic,’ hung him without snapping his neck until he almost asphyxiated, then cut off his dick and balls, and then disemboweled him —while he was still alive! They did this in My name!!”
Hanging his head in fury and in shame that He had been unable to prevent this, Jehovah looked up and growled, “And let’s not even get started on all of the shoddy fantasy and horror fiction they attribute to Me!” The Deity shuddered, and then with a malicious half-smile said, “Actually, let’s!
“The tough part is knowing where to start. The Torah, Bible, Quran, Book of Mormon? You tell Me!
“Let’s take something all of ’em take as Scripture, the Ten Commandments. Do you know where those things came from? Do you? They were a rough draft I knocked out on the third day of a five-day bender just to fuck with people, just to see if they’d be dumb enough go for ’em. I threw in a few good things to confuse the issue, but yeah, I wrote them to fuck with people.
“When I sobered up, I stuck them in a drawer somewhere and forgot about them. God knows how they found ’em.
“While I was sitting in that cell for all those years, I had plenty of time to think. I realized that I’m better than those ‘Commandments’ –again, sorry I wrote ’em!–and I came up with a new version that reflects what I actually think. I even wrote two extras!
“Frankly, these are all so obvious that I shouldn’t even have to mention them, but obviously I do; so, here they are, in pseudo-16th-century English, as people seem to like that”:
- Thou shalt not torture;
- Thou shalt not enslave;
- Thou shalt not engage in cruelty of any kind;
- Thou shalt not use violence or the threat of violence to coerce others;
- Thou shalt not put other people in cages;
- Thou shalt not murder anyone, not just My chosen people;
- Thou shalt not subjugate women;
- Thou shalt not breed like the hares of the earth;
- Thou shalt not scapegoat and persecute minorities;
- Thou shalt not despoil Mother Earth;
- Thou shalt be honest, thou shalt use thine reason to determine thine conclusions, not engage in wishful thinking;
- Thou shalt always treat others as thou wishes to be treated.
With that, the Creator of the Universe, rose and thundered, “Enough said! Is there anything about this you don’t understand?!” He glared at the assembled reporters and then stepped away from the podium and strode toward the exit, pausing only to shout over his shoulder, “But hey! Remember! The last one doesn’t apply to masochists!”
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(with apologies to whoever came up with the golden oldie about masochists and the golden rule)
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If you enjoyed this piece, you’ll probably also enjoy The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded). Here’s a large free sample in pdf form.