Since I moved to Tucson 25 years ago, I’ve played (“playing” meaning at least one paying gig) with 4 vocalists, 3 bassists, and roughly 20 drummers — I lost exact count ages ago, and I’m not even counting the ones that spontaneously self-combusted.
So, I appreciated the following ad that just appeared in the Musicians section of Tucson’s Craigslist, and have a hunch you might, too. Enjoy!
Qualified, Easygoing Drummer at Your Service
Decades of experience and a professional demeanor, I am the drummer you’ve been looking for.
I do not have a car and I do not have my own drums. I love to drink and I like to hit people in the mouth when I’ve had a few. I’ve hurt people before and I’ll do it again.
I will not learn your original material unless I’m paid $75 per hour per gig and I must be paid in advance. I do not know many covers and cannot commit to learning new ones unless I really dig the song.
My influences include Staind, P.O.D., the theme song to Malcolm in the Middle, and old Black Eyed Peas.
Additionally, I will need to crash with you for a while, as I do not have any source of income outside of my musical endeavors.
I cannot stress enough how much your band needs me at the rhythmic helm of the rock and roll ship. Call now.
Also, I do have a small narcotics habit.
About the only thing the anonymous genius who produced this forgot to add was, “Great rhythmic control. I can either rush or drag — I’m in control!”