Archive for the ‘Baseball’ Category


Grant Brisbee

“It seems funny to you that [Giancarlo] Stanton might want to come to the Giants. This is because you actually spent time — time you will never, ever, ever get back — watching this horrible team as it spun around the toilet and mercifully went down, never to resurface.”

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(Note for nonbaseball fans: two-and-a-half weeks ago the Los Angeles Dodgers were an astounding 91-36, and on track to win the most games ever by a major league team;  they’re now 92-51. In contrast, the San Francisco Giants are, after two cringe-inducing defeats in Chicago over the weekend, back on track to lose 100 games.)

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“The Dodgers are in freefall off the highest of perches, having lost 15 of their last 16 games.

“They’ll face an archrival [Giants] that just lost 8-1 to the Chicago White Sox on Sunday, got outscored 21-2 over the final two games on the South Side and dropped yet another non-competitive road series to the team with the worst record in the American League.

“We’re about to find out which emotion is stronger: panic or despair.”

–Andrew Baggarly in the San Jose Mercury News, “Giants lose another stinker to White Sox


Pablo Sandoval

“If 31-year-old Pablo Sandoval is the [San Francisco Giants’ starting third baseman] on Opening Day 2018, I predict alcohol sales at AT&T Park will go through the roof (which actually may be one of the Giants’ new marketing plans).”

–Richard Dyer, “What the SF Giants will look like on opening day 2018” on The Giants Cove


(I’ve been saving this quote for two weeks, as the Giants inexplicably played good baseball for nearly a full week immediately after this appeared; but their play has reassuringly returned to normal — that is, excruciating — for the last week, so here you go.)

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“The 2017 San Francisco Giants are a very poor baseball team by the standards of Major League Baseball. Were you aware of that? You were probably aware of that. Still, it needs to be said in every article about them until the season ends, because this is how you will repent for your many sins. Feel glad that you get to do it this way instead of changing your truly repugnant behavior. . . .

“. . . and hey, just for kicks, let’s go to Fangraphs and check out the worst ERAs in the majors among qualified starters. Well, whaddya know? The Giants are leading the league in something! . . .

“. . . We come not to sarcastically praise the Giants, but to bury them. Let’s examine this important question: Will this year’s Giants ever win another game?”

(A poll immediately followed, to which 61% of responding Giants fans answered, “Why no, I don’t think they will.”)

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–Doug Bruzzone, “Will the 2017 Giants ever win another game?” (from our favorite baseball blog, McCovey Chronicles)


BOOTLICKING, ger.  A popular American mass participation sport which is rapidly replacing baseball as the national pastime.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover


“I usually stay away from politics on here for obvious reasons. They’re too divisive, and this is supposed to be a place about sports [San Francisco Giants], a safe haven. But I think the one thing we can all agree on is that Donald Trump is a dangerously ignorant man-child, the wriggling embodiment of the seven deadly sins, each of them competing against the other for supremacy at all times.”

–Grant Brisbee, “Donald Ttrump wanted to buy the San Francisco Giants” (on our favorite baseball blog, McCovey Chronicles)


“The [San Francisco] Giants will get better. There will be a two-week stretch that boosts their overall numbers, and they’ll seem normal again. Do not fall for it. All that stretch will do is hose their draft position. They will not be a better team. They will not be closer to a future postseason. They’ll only be ruining their chances to get the next Bryce Harper or Stephen Strasburg or Delmon Young. But it’s going to happen, and I’ll forget about this paragraph and these feelings, and I’ll pretend that it’s good news.”

–Grant Brisbee, “Giants Lose, Royals Win

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The above nearly paragraph-length quotation nicely illustrates why Grant Brisbee is the funniest baseball writer in the biz. He’s also pretty damn insightful, which is almost, but not quite, as important for baseball writers as being funny.

Let’s face it: we’re dealing with baseball, life’s toy department for supposed grown-ups. And in maintaining proper perspective on that national refuge from horrifying reality, humor rules.