Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


DEATH, n. For Christians, a blessing — the gateway to heaven, the portal to paradise. It speaks volumes of the generosity of Christians that they so freely bestow this blessing upon their enemies, yet routinely do all in their power, even in extreme old age, to deny this same blessing to themselves.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover


“Glad to see [Trump’s] new communications director has things under control. The stream of consciousness strategy never fails, right?”

–Congressman Adam Schiff on Donald Trump’s latest incoherent tweet storm following Trump’s appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director


TRAGIC LIFE,  A common but redundant phrase.

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(This one isn’t in the revised and expanded American Heretic’s Dictionary, but will be if we ever get around to publishing a further-expanded edition.)

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover


FEARLESS, adj. Too stupid to understand the situation. Syn.: “No Fear.”

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(This one isn’t in the revised and expanded American Heretic’s Dictionary, but will be if we ever get around to publishing a further-expanded edition.)

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover


 

(For the last few months we’ve been running the best posts from years past, posts that will be new to most of our subscribers. This one is from 2013. We’ll be posting more blasts from the past for the next several months, and will intersperse them with new material.)

by S.C. Hitchcock, author of Disbelief 101: A disbeliefYoung Person’s Guide to Atheism

The State of Kentucky features a Creation Museum dedicated to a theory that is refuted by, and I mean this in the literal sense, every living or mechanical thing you will ever see. (Not one thing, biological or technological, popped into existence without an ancestor.) Taking my cue from the success of this “museum,” I’ve decided to create a theme park based on Holocaust denial.

I’ll call the park NaziWorld and will create a main attraction called The Holocoaster. Patrons will thrill to a ride with more twists and turns and loops than Holocaust-denial “logic.” Featured attractions will include a horror castle called Dr. Mengele’s lab, a haunted graveyard with six million empty graves, and a beer garden/sports bar (The Berchtesgarten, naturlich) with “Spingtime for Hitler” playing on a continuous loop on its big-screen TVs.

Most Americans know as much about World War II as they do about biology, so this seems like a sound business plan. Most are familiar with the whiskery square that darkened Hitler’s septum, and know that the Nazis wore sexy uniforms, didn’t like Jews, and had a lot to do with the war that was filmed in black and white, but that’s about it.

If this works, and it will, I’ve got plans for more money-making theme parks. How about a “trickle-down” waterpark, where the water is supplied by the executive suite restrooms high overhead?

What could possibly go wrong? Americans (at least our current [2017] sad excuse for a president) will lap it up — or should that be “lie down for it, and let it wash over them”?

(Editor’s Note: Sorry S.C., couldn’t resist adding that final sentence.)

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americanism

AMERICANISM, n. 1) The desire to purge America of all those qualities that make it a more or less tolerable place in which to live; 2) The ability to simultaneously kiss ass, pay taxes, follow your boss’s orders, swallow a pay cut, piss in a cup, cower in fear of job loss, and brag about your freedom.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front coverAmbrose


There’s a large sex shop a few blocks away from me on the nearest main drag, which features a garish electronic billboard with ever-changing ads and messages. The board’s contents are usually on the brain dead side, but every once in a while the management comes up with an ad that momentarily changes the board from an eyesore to a source of amusement.

They had such an ad last night:

“DRILLDO: It Gets The Job Done”

Fortunately, it was a text-only ad.