Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


Molly Ivins

I learned two things growing up in Texas. 1: God loves you, and you’re going to burn in hell forever.  2: Sex is the dirtiest and most dangerous thing you can possibly do, so save it for someone you love.”

—Molly Ivins, quoted by Marie Alena Castle in chapter 2, “The Theology of Sex,” in Culture Wars: The threat to your family and your freedom (revised & expanded) (scheduled for November 2017 release)

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SPIRITUAL, adj. A term of self-congratulation used to assert superiority over others.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover

 


(Note for nonbaseball fans: two-and-a-half weeks ago the Los Angeles Dodgers were an astounding 91-36, and on track to win the most games ever by a major league team;  they’re now 92-51. In contrast, the San Francisco Giants are, after two cringe-inducing defeats in Chicago over the weekend, back on track to lose 100 games.)

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“The Dodgers are in freefall off the highest of perches, having lost 15 of their last 16 games.

“They’ll face an archrival [Giants] that just lost 8-1 to the Chicago White Sox on Sunday, got outscored 21-2 over the final two games on the South Side and dropped yet another non-competitive road series to the team with the worst record in the American League.

“We’re about to find out which emotion is stronger: panic or despair.”

–Andrew Baggarly in the San Jose Mercury News, “Giants lose another stinker to White Sox


–the latest from our friend Pamela Sutter, the author and illustrator of the e-book May the Farce be with You: A lighthearted look at why God does not exist.


While watching Stephen Colbert last night, I witnessed a first: Bernie Sanders left speechless. It happened after Colbert asked Bernie to say something good about Donald Trump. Bernie sat there looking about as uncomfortable and perplexed as a trout gasping on the bank of a stream.

I’m sure that Bernie thought of a number of good replies later, and quite possibly slapped himself on the forehead going, “Doh! Why didn’t I say that?”

The French have an expression for this sort of thing: l’esprit d’escalier, which means thinking of a withering reply after the fact. More literally, thinking of a perfect reply while descending the stairs.

It’s an all too common human experience.

When Colbert asked Bernie the question, I couldn’t think of a reply, either.

But I did think of two this afternoon:

“He didn’t say that all of the Nazis were ‘fine people.'”

and

“He’s probably not guilty of treason.”

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If you can think of another apt reply to Colbert’s question to Bernie, please leave a comment.


RACISM, n. A sign of idiocy indicating that an individual believes that other racial groups can be even worse than his own.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary


Doomed City, by Arkady and Boris Strugatsky, front cover

“Once upon a time in a little town there lived two night-soil men — father and son. There weren’t any sewers there, only pits full of slurry. And they scooped that shit out with a bucket and poured it into their barrel, and what’s more, the father, as the more experienced specialist, went down into the pit, and the son handed the bucket down to him from above. Then one day the son lost his grip on the bucket and dumped it back on his old man. Well, his old man wiped himself down, looked up at him, and said bitterly, ‘You’re a total screwup, a real lunkhead. No good for anything. You’ll be stuck up there your whole life.'”

–“Andrei” in The Doomed City, by Arkady and Boris Strugatsky

(This “lost novel” appeared for the first time in English last year. Expect a review shortly.)