Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


TEN COMMANDMENTS, n. pl. The fundamental moral precepts of the Christian and Jewish faiths, and a fine set of guiding lights for us all. Some low-minded skeptics have suggested that God could have improved upon these inspired moral principles if It had dropped the commandments concerning swearing, idol worship, sexual exclusivity, and resting on the sabbath, and had instead instituted bans on slavery, torture, and cruelty, but these suggestions are obviously sacrilegious. If slavery, torture, and cruelty were true moral evils, organized Christianity would not have condoned, instigated, and practiced all three for the better part of two millennia. Fortunately, most Christians recognize this and do not bother themselves about such trifles. Instead, they rightly concentrate their moral outrage on the true evils of “obscene” books and pictures, “filthy” language, and the sexual practices of their neighbors.

* * *

— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover


(directed by Dominic Abel, 84 minutes, 2017)

Inoffensive. Occasionally funny. Helps one understand what the French see in Jerry Lewis. More enjoyable than hitting oneself in the head with a hammer for 84 minutes.

Jim Bob says, “Vous devriez aller voir, pour verifier.” (That is, “check it out,” for all you furriners.)

 


(from our friend Pamela Sutter, author of May the Farce Be with You)


(API) — The White House announced today that, following his prolonged search for legal representation, President Trump has retained as chief legal counsel veteran litigator Saul Goodman. Trump, after tweeting, “I hire nothing but the BEST people,” praised Goodman as “very incredible, very fantastic, a bigly talent and an amazing patriot. NO COLLUSION! JOBS!”

Republican commentators were quick to heap praise upon Trump, with Sean Hannity saying that this “bold choice” showed what “a different kind of president” Trump is, and that it exemplified his “out of the box thinking” — remarks almost identical to those Hannity made after Trump strangled a Miniature Schnauzer on Christmas Eve and sodomized it’s corpse on live national television.

Several Fox News pundits were equally effusive about Trump’s other new “out of the box” appointees: Gustavo Fring as DEA administrator;  Walter White as Science Adviser; Jesse Pinkman as National Institute of Health administrator; Skyler White as Treasury Secretary; Tuco Salamanca as Press Secretary; and an individual known only as “Todd” as Secretary of State.

Laura Ingraham enthused about Walter White’s appointment as Science Adviser, noting White’s extensive “hands on scientific expertise”; Neil Cavuto praised new DEA czar Fring’s  “executive experience,” and noted that Fring would conduct America’s drug policy “like a business”; and Tucker Carlson extolled Salamanca’s appointment as Press Secretary, saying that he “really knows how to deliver a message.”

The day’s only sour note was the refusal of security expert Michael Ehrmantraut to accept appointment as Homeland Security chief. While pointedly refusing to cite Trump by name, Ehrmantraut stated that while he had the “highest respect” for some of the new appointees, citing Fring’s “coolness” and “professionalism,” he refused to endanger the nation by taking orders from a “moron.” Following Erhmantraut’s refusal, Trump tweeted that “Mummified Mike” was “a LIAR! LIAR,” “really, really bad at his job,” and that he had “never offered it to him in the first place. NO COLLUSION! JOBS!”


Illustration from American Heretic's Dictionary

DRUG ADDICTION, n. A popular method of dealing with day-to-day living in the United States.

* * *

— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover


COMPASSION, n. Mercy. A virtue so rare in Christian countries that when discovered by chance it is always deemed newsworthy.

* * *

— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover

 


“Nietzsche was wrong. God isn’t dead. . . . He just has shitty representation back on Earth.”

–“Dechert” in David Pedreira’s Gunpowder Moon