Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


 

Wallingford Sign

–from the anonymous genius who comes up with Seattle Propane’s Wallingfordsign


Mark Twain

“The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—’tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.”

–Mark Twain, from The Art of Authorship, quoted by Bartleby

 

 


“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.”

–Oscar Wilde


For some unfathomable — which means “I don’t have a clue” — reason, “Mustang Sally” has been the most requested song in American live music venues for decades, far eclipsing such musical horrors as “Free Bird” and “Sweet Home Alabama.”

A few years ago the now-defunct music site Guitar Squid did bar bands a favor by posting the following uncannily accurate “Mustang Sally” flow chart. Enjoy.

Mustang Sally flow chart


“Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.”

–“Elmore Leonard’s Rules for Writers” in The Guardian


fundie

FUNDAMENTALIST, n. One in whom something is fundamentally wrong — most commonly lack of reasoning ability and vicious intolerance toward those not sharing the fundamentalist’s delusions. Thus, fundamentalists are especially intolerant of those able to draw obvious conclusions from observed facts, those who refuse to seek shelter in comforting falsehoods, and those who wish to lead their own lives.

Members of the fundamentalist subspecies known as “Slack-Jawed Drooling Idiots” have been known to give so much of their income to “electronic churches” that they subsist on Alpo at the end of the month.

In herds, fundamentalists are about as useful to society as wandering bands of baboons brandishing machetes.

The following statements by the Reverend Pat Robertson — prominent televangelist, Christian Coalition honcho, former Republican presidential candidate, blood diamond profiteer, and close “personal friend” of both corrupt, murderous former Congolese dictator Mobutu Sese Seko and corrupt, murderous former Liberian president and convicted war criminal Charles Taylor — are perhaps the most revealing illustration of the fundamentalist mentality that this lexicographer has ever seen:

People have immortal spirits with incredible power over elemental things. The way to deal with inanimate matter is to talk to it.

…and…

If you wanted to get America destroyed, if you were a malevolent, evil force and you said, “How can I turn God against America? What can I do to get God mad at the people of America to cause this great land to vomit out the people?” Well, I’d pick five things. I’d begin to have incest. I’d begin to commit adultery wherever possible, all over the country, and sexuality. I’d begin to have them offering up and killing their babies. I’d get them having homosexual relations, and then I’d have them having sex with animals.

And, yes folks, these are actual, direct quotations.

* * *

–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover

 


Molly Ivins

I learned two things growing up in Texas. 1: God loves you, and you’re going to burn in hell forever.  2: Sex is the dirtiest and most dangerous thing you can possibly do, so save it for someone you love.”

—Molly Ivins, quoted by Marie Alena Castle in chapter 2, “The Theology of Sex,” in Culture Wars: The threat to your family and your freedom (revised & expanded) (scheduled for November 2017 release)