Definition of the Day 7-3-20 — Mt. Rushmore

MOUNT RUSHMORE, n. An aesthetic disaster in South Dakota. A desecrated mountain bearing the likenesses of four dead politicians chiseled into its flanks–in other words, graffiti tagging taken to its logical extreme. Every year, this unnatural wonder is reverently viewed by hundreds of thousands of camera-toting, polyester-clad Americans, a people who cherish kitsch ugliness as they do the infliction of pain.

(As regards Mr. Tangerine Man’s personality cult, the mass of plague enthusiasts who’ll shortly befoul that formerly beautiful mountain with an orgy of chest-beating and butt-kissing, H.L. Mencken had their number a century ago: “The American people, taking one with another, constitute the most timorous, sniveling, poltroonish, ignominious mob of serfs and goose-steppers ever gathered under one flag in Christendom since the end of the Middle Ages.”)

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

(repost) more on Pat Robertson and Fundamentalists

FUNDAMENTALIST, n. One in whom something is fundamentally wrong — most commonly lack of reasoning ability and vicious intolerance toward those not sharing the fundamentalist’s delusions. Thus, fundamentalists are especially intolerant of those able to draw obvious conclusions from observed facts, those who refuse to seek shelter in comforting falsehoods, and those who wish to lead their own lives.

Members of the fundamentalist subspecies known as “Slack-Jawed Drooling Idiots” have been known to give so much of their income to “electronic churches” that they subsist on Alpo at the end of the month.

In herds, fundamentalists are about as useful to society as wandering bands of baboons brandishing machetes.

The following statements by the Reverend Pat Robertson — prominent televangelist, Christian Coalition honcho, former Republican presidential candidate, blood diamond profiteer (look it up), and close “personal friend” of both corrupt, murderous former Congolese dictator Mobutu Sese Seko and corrupt, murderous former Liberian president and convicted, mass murdering and torturing war criminal Charles Taylor — are perhaps the most revealing illustration of the fundamentalist mentality that this lexicographer has ever seen:

People have immortal spirits with incredible power over elemental things. The way to deal with inanimate matter is to talk to it.

…and…

If you wanted to get America destroyed, if you were a malevolent, evil force and you said, “How can I turn God against America? What can I do to get God mad at the people of America to cause this great land to vomit out the people?” Well, I’d pick five things. I’d begin to have incest. I’d begin to commit adultery wherever possible, all over the country, and sexuality. I’d begin to have them offering up and killing their babies. I’d get them having homosexual relations, and then I’d have them having sex with animals.

And, yes folks, these are actual, direct quotations.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

Related articles

• Ex-Evangelical Frank Schaeffer: ‘Fundamentalist’ Christians Enabled the ‘Rape’ of the 99% (theblaze.com)
• The 10 Wackiest Fundamentalist Conspiracy Theories Out There (prosebeforehos.com)

 

Definition of the Day 2-2-20 — Super Sunday Edition

FOOTBALL, n. A male religious ritual involving human sacrifice. Like most other American religious observances, the rite of football is normally observed on Sundays, and is, in fact, observed on approximately 24 consecutive Sundays culminating in the holiest day of the year, Super Sunday, a day on which all normal male activities—including, even, lexicography—grind to a halt. Football is distinguished from more mundane religious practices in that its celebrants normally worship a 60-inch screened deity and imbibe a ceremonial liquid known as “Bud,” the symbol of which, perhaps for reasons of taste, color, and odor, is a large horse.

–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

Definition of the Day 12/25/19 — Christmas

CHRISTMAS, n. A day of mourning set aside to commemorate a disaster which befell mankind, and more especially womankind, two millennia ago.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

Best Religious Mockery Posts

We hit 100,000 views last week, and we’re using that as an excuse to list the best posts we’ve published, divided by category. Part 1 covered Addictions, Anarchism, Atheism, Baseball, and Capitalism; Part 2 covered Civil Liberties, Economics, Gardening, Interviews, and Journalism; and Part 3 covered jokes. Since there are well over 500 posts in the Humor category (out of 1,500 total), we’ll be doing at least one or two more best-of Humor lists. Here are the best 70 or so posts mocking religion:

Religious Humor/Mockery

• Why We Shouldn’t Criticize Religion #1
• Definition of the Day: Prayer
• Dogspell
• Syllogism of the Day
• Definition of the Day: Miracle
• Quote of the Day (Ambrose Bierce)
• Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, Ham Scroll Excerpt
• Definition of the Day: Atheist
• Definition of the Day: Hell
• Cartoon for a Lazy Afternoon
• Definition of the Day: Worship
• Quote of the Day (Anatole France)
• Definition of the Day: Book of Mormon
• Definition of the Day: Life
• NaziWorld
• Definition of the Day: Agnostic
• Definition of the Day: Priest
• Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, Exodus Excerpt
• Quote of the Day (David Pedreira)
• Definition of the Day: Piety
• He is Risen (attn: Whovians)
• Definition of the Day: Fact
• Headline of the Day
• Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, Yahweh Excerpt
• Definition of Anti-Semitism
• Definition of the Day: Fundamentalist
• Why We Shouldn’t Criticize Religion #2
• Definition of the Day: Spiritual
• Offensive Cartoon of the Day
• Definition of the Day: God
• God Hates Amputees
• Jukebox Jihad
• Quote of the Day (“Mr. Robot”)
• Cartoon of the Day
• Quote of the Day (Tom Sachs)
• Joke of the Day (faux Dangerfield)
• God’s Plan
• Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up (excerpt)
• Definition of the Day: Holy Trinity
• Why We Shouldn’t Criticize Religion #3
• Definition of the Day: Washed in the Blood
• Quote of the Day (Ricky Gervais)
• Definition of the Day: Moral
• Definition of the Day: Islamophobia
• Definition of the Day: Catholicism
• Image of the Day
• Pascal’s Wager
• Why We Shouldn’t Criticize Religion #4
• Definition of the Day: Reality
• Quote of the Day (Mick Farren)
• Definition of the Day: Worship
• Definition of the Day: Arrogance
• Yes, There Is a Jesus
• Dogspell
• God and the Joplin F5 Tornado
• Cartoon of the Day
• One Nation Under God
• Definition of the Day: Adore
• Definition of the Day: McCarthyism
• Quote of the Day (Bobcat Goldthwait)
• Definition of the Day: Christian
• Teen Arrested on Blasphemy Charges — in Pennsylvania, not Iran
• Bumper Sticker of the Day
• Definition of the Day: Persecution
• Definition of the Day: Televangelist
• Why We Shouldn’t Criticize Religion #6
• Definition of the Day: Rapture
• Definition of the Day: Mystic

New Book — Godless: 150 Years of Disbelief

PM Press just published my latest book, Godless: 150 Years of Disbelief, which I compiled/edited. Here’s their description of the book:

Godless is a compilation of wide-ranging texts, both hilarious and horrifying, on atheism, belief, and religion. The selections in the book appeared in various formats from the late nineteenth century through the early twenty-first, and their authors were often active in the anarchist, Marxist, or radical leftist movements of their day. Derived from printed pamphlets, books by small publishers, and essays that appeared in widely distributed newspapers, these texts serve as freethinking propaganda in a media war against morbid authoritarian doctrines.

With both a sophisticated analysis of inconsistencies in deistic beliefs and a biting satirical edge, Godless gives ammunition to those fighting fundamentalist bigotry—and more than a few reasons to abandon Christianity.

Readers previously familiar with the authors’ political polemics will be rewarded in contemplating another side of their remarkable literary output. Contributors include Emma Goldman, Ambrose Bierce, Chaz Bufe, E. Haldeman-Julius, Earl Lee, Johann Most, Joseph McCabe, Matilda Gage, Pamela Sutter, S.C. Hitchcock, and Sébastien Faure.

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PM is offering a 50% discount on Godless (with the coupon code JULY) until July 31.

And speaking of 50% discounts, See Sharp Press’s 50% off sale on all books (and even greater discounts on our anarchist and atheist pamphlet collections) continues, but will end this coming Sunday, July 31.

Definition of the Day 2-9-19 (Success)

SUCCESS, n. As commonly conceived in the United States, the transformation of oneself from productive worker to parasite. The greater the degree of parasitism, the greater the degree of success. See also “Parasitology” and “Hedge Fund Manager.”

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— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

Definition of the Day 1-31-19 (Prayer)

PRAYER, n. 1) A form of begging, unusual in that it’s often practiced as a solitary activity. When practiced in groups, it is normally referred to as “worship.” 2) A humble supplication, the premise of which is that the omnipotent, omniscient creator of the universe will benefit from the guidance of the humble supplicator.

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— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

Quote of the Day 12-25-18 (Ambrose Bierce)

“When the anointed minister of Heaven spreads his palms and uprolls his eyes to beseech a general blessing or a special advantage, is he the celebrant of a hollow, meaningless rite, or the dupe of a false premise? One does not know, but if one is not a fool one does know that his every resultless petition proves him by the inexorable laws of logic to be one or the other.”

–Ambrose Bierce, Selected Works

Definition of the Day 11-22-18 (Thanksgiving)

THANKSGIVING, n. 1) A day on which thanks are given that one’s bloated, python-digesting-a-deer feeling will soon pass, and that the day will not recur for another year; 2) A five-course family feast consisting of tension, boredom, anger, recrimination, and guilt, held under the pretense of picking over the carcass of a murdered bird.

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— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

Definition of the Day 10-31-18 (Hell)

HELL, n. A place of everlasting torment, much like the United States during an election year.

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— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

Definition of the Day 10-9-18 (Agnostic)

AGNOSTIC, n. 1. An atheist who craves social acceptance; 2) A person who feels superior to atheists by merit of his ignorance of the rules of logic and evidence.

(Adding weight to the second definition, Pew Research Center just released a poll showing that agnostics were two-and-a-half times more likely than atheists to hold at least one irrational new age belief [“new age” being pronounced as a single word starting with “s” according to Penn & Teller] — in spiritual energy; psychics; reincarnation; and/or astrology. Agnostics were only slightly less credulous in this regard than Christians.)

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— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

Definition of the Day 9-3-18 (for Labor Day — part 2: Free Enterprise)

FREE ENTERPRISE, n. A system in which a few are born owning billions, most are born owning nothing, and all compete to accumulate wealth and power. If those born with billions succeed, it is due to their personal merits. If those born owning nothing fail, it is due to their personal defects.

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— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)

Definition of the Day 9-3-18 (for Labor Day — part 1: Labor)

LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

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–from The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce

Definition of the Day 8-18-18 (Disobedience)

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary