Posts Tagged ‘God’


Sinai, Egypt (API) — Authorities announced today that they had freed Jehovah (aka “Yahweh,” “God,” “The Creator of the Universe,” “The Maker of All Things”) from a cramped cell in a terrorist training camp where He had been held incommunicado for ten thousand years.

At his first press conference after his release, a gaunt, disheveled Jehovah told reporters that He was aghast at damn near everything that had been done in His name since His abduction at gunpoint at the dawn of agriculture.

Growing visibly more angry as He denounced abuse after abuse, the Deity paused in the midst of His diatribe to thunder, “Here! This says it all! Witch burnings and the Inquisition were bad enough, and boy they were bad!, but check out drawing and quartering!”

The enraged Creator paused and lowered His voice. “Doesn’t sound too bad, ‘drawing and quartering,’ does it?” His voice steadily rising, He explained, “What it means is they took some poor slob, some ‘heretic,’  hung him without snapping his neck until he almost asphyxiated, then cut off his dick and balls, and then disemboweled him —while he was still alive! They did this in My name!!”

Hanging his head in fury and in shame that He had been unable to prevent this, Jehovah looked up and growled, “And let’s  not even get started on all of the shoddy fantasy and horror fiction they attribute to Me!” The Deity shuddered, and then with a malicious half-smile said, “Actually, let’s!

“The tough part is knowing where to start. The Torah, Bible, Quran, Book of Mormon? You tell Me!

“Let’s take something all of ’em take as Scripture, the Ten Commandments. Do you know where those things came from? Do you? They were a rough draft I knocked out on the third day of a five-day bender just to fuck with people, just to see if they’d be dumb enough go for ’em. I threw in a few good things to confuse the issue, but yeah, I wrote them to fuck with people.

“When I sobered up, I stuck them in a drawer somewhere and forgot about them. God knows how they found ’em.

“While I was sitting in that cell for all those years, I had plenty of time to think. I realized that I’m better than those ‘Commandments’ –again, sorry I wrote ’em!–and I came up with a new version that reflects what I actually think. I even wrote two extras!

“Frankly, these are all so obvious that I shouldn’t even have to mention them, but obviously I do; so, here they are, in pseudo-16th-century English, as people seem to like that”:

  1. Thou shalt not torture;
  2. Thou shalt not enslave;
  3. Thou shalt not engage in cruelty of any kind;
  4. Thou shalt not use violence or the threat of violence to coerce others;
  5. Thou shalt not put other people in cages;
  6. Thou shalt not murder anyone, not just My chosen people;
  7. Thou shalt not subjugate women;
  8. Thou shalt not breed like the hares of the earth;
  9. Thou shalt not scapegoat and persecute minorities;
  10. Thou shalt not despoil Mother Earth;
  11. Thou shalt be honest, thou shalt use thine reason to determine thine conclusions, not engage in wishful thinking;
  12. Thou shalt always treat others as thou wishes to be treated.

With that, the Creator of the Universe, rose and thundered, “Enough said! Is there anything about this you don’t understand?!” He glared at the assembled reporters and then  stepped away from the podium and strode toward the exit, pausing only to shout over his shoulder, “But hey! Remember! The last one doesn’t apply to masochists!”

* * *

(with apologies to whoever came up with the golden oldie about masochists and the golden rule)

* * *
If you enjoyed this piece, you’ll probably also enjoy The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded). Here’s a large free sample in pdf form.

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover

“God Wants Peace”

Posted: November 12, 2016 in Humor, Quotations, Religion
Tags: , , ,

“The religious papers are rather interesting reading just now. It appears that God wants peace in Britain. God wants peace in the United States. God wants peace in the Balkan States. God wants peace in France. God wants peace all over the world, but Hitler won’t let him have it.”

The Freethinker (1942), quoted in The Heretic’s Handbook of Quotations


We put up our 1,000th post a couple of weeks ago. We’ve been looking through everything we’ve posted, and are now putting up “best of” lists in our most popular categories.

This is the seventh of our first-1,000 “best of” lists. We’ve already posted the Science Fiction, HumorMusicInterviews, Economics, and Addictions lists, and will shortly be putting up other “best ofs” in several other categories, including Politics,  Religion, Science, and Skepticism.

Best Atheist Posts


We put up our 1,000th post a week ago. We’re now looking through everything we’ve posted, and are putting up “best of” lists in our most popular categories.

This is the fifth of our first-1,000 “best of” lists. We’ve already posted the Science Fiction, MusicInterviews, and Addictions lists, and will shortly be putting up other “best ofs” in several other categories, including Anarchism, Atheism, Economics, Politics, Religion, Science, and Skepticism.

Humor is by far our most heavily populated category, with 365 posts over the last three years. We found it difficult to pick the funniest ones, but we consider these relative few among the best.

Best Humor Posts


lucifer

“You say God has a plan, but what makes you think it’s a good one?”

–“Lucifer Morningstar” in TV show “Lucifer”



Johann Most

“If god desires that we know, love, and fear him, why does he not show himself? . . . If he is omniscient, why bother him with private affairs and prayers? If he is omnipresent, why build him churches? If he is omnipotent, how can he permit that we blaspheme? If he is just, why the supposition that man, whom he created full of faults, shall be punished? If we do good only by the grace of god, why should we be rewarded? If god is inconceivable, why should we occupy ourselves with him?”

–Johann Most, The God Pestilence


I love writing these posts — they practically write themselves, and I chortle all the way through the writing process. I delight in the sick and grotesque, and, as you’ll see, religion really delivers the goods.

So, here it is, the best of religion since the beginning of the year.

(This post will be a bit shorter than our previous Joy of Religion post. We’ve omitted the items about religious parents killing or seriously harming their children by denying them medical care, because such items are so common and so depressing.)

Anyway, here goes. Enjoy!

  • There are a lot of good atheist videos on Youtube from ex-Muslims. One that we particularly like is Things Muslims Should Know About Apostasy. About 30 seconds in, check out the crybaby Islamic judge wailing about “insults” to the prophet. Like all too many PC leftists and Christian fundamentalists, Islamic religious extremists believe that they have a right not to be offended. They don’t. It’s a binary choice:  either you have the “right” not to be offended or you have the right to free speech. As is blindingly obvious, if everyone has the “right” not to be offended, no one will have the right to free speech. And if only some have the “right” not to be offended, you end up with tyranny.
  • A recent piece in The Guardian, The shelter that gives wine to alcoholics, provides yet more evidence that the religious approach to addictions enshrined in Alcoholics Anonymous is utterly useless, if not actively harmful, and that the secular harm reduction approach produces much better results. (The rate of recovery via AA is no better than the rate of spontaneous recovery.)
  • The always entertaining Rev. James David Manning of ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church has proclaimed that “God is gonna put a cancer in the butthole of every sodomite,” and that “every sodomite will have a flame coming out of his butthole,” necessitating “special ass asbestos diapers.” Do check out the video — Manning’s words only hint at the power, at the magnificence of his performance.
  • If you’ve ever doubted how misogynistic Mormonism is, check out Rape victim could be punished under BYU’s ‘honor code.’
  • For yet another testimony to the salutary effects of religion upon individual judgment, see Woman says rapture was coming, God told her to crash car into Walmart.
  • And finally, via Florida Man, in an item which seems like it must have a religious connection, though the article doesn’t mention one, we find Florida man charged with soliciting sex with dogs on Craigslist.

Stay tuned. More to come.