FREE ENTERPRISE, n. A system in which a few are born owning billions, most are born owning nothing, and all compete to accumulate wealth and power. If those born with billions succeed, it is due to their personal merits. If those born owning nothing fail, it is due to their personal defects.
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— from The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions and illustrations.)
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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–from The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
REFORM, n. 1) Formerly, a measure designed to improve something already in existence, as in “The reform broadened Medicare coverage”; 2) Currently, a measure designed to worsen or eliminate something already in existence, as in “Tax Reform” and “A shotgun blast to the head reformed the recipient’s life expectancy.”
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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the 21st-century successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. (The link goes to 50 sample definitions.)
BOOTLICKING, ger. A popular American mass participation sport which is rapidly displacing baseball as the national pastime.
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– definition (not photo) from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, by Chaz Bufe, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
TOUGH, n. A term used by sycophants to describe powerful politicians, especially heads of state. It normally means: 1) callous; 2) having little regard for human life; 3) ready and willing to shed the blood of others while running no personal risk of injury.
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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
AMERICANISM, n. 1) The desire to purge America of all those qualities that make it a more or less tolerable place in which to live; 2) The ability to simultaneously kiss ass, pay taxes, follow your boss’s orders, swallow a pay cut, piss in a cup, cower in fear of job loss, and brag about your freedom.
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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
Ambrose
GOD, n. A three-letter justification for murder; 2) An unsavory character found in many popular works of fiction.
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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
Of late, every vocabulary-deficient knuckle dragger on Craigslist seems to use the word “vintage” — often several times — when posting an ad for music gear. (I’m waiting with bated breath for them to start using the term “artisanal.”)
So, it seems like an appropriate time to remind readers of what the term actually means.
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VINTAGE, adj. As used on Craigslist, old, overpriced, beat to hell. More simply, “shit,” as in “vintage guitar amp.”
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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
INCOME TAX, n. A particularly painful form of economic sodomy inflicted upon the public during the IRS’s annual rutting season in mid-April.
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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
(We ran this a year ago and weren’t planning to do it again, but this past bummer of a year lent this definition new relevance.)
NEW YEAR’S DAY, n. An arbitrarily chosen day, celebrated for its arbitrariness, in which the horrors of the previous year are forgotten in anticipation of those of the year to come.
—The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the best successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint’s infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly.
Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.
–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
FORTUNATE, adj. Experiencing fewer disasters than others on the march to death.
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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.
–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
VEGANS, n. pl. Vegetarians on steroids. The subspecies “vegans with a vengeance” have been known, through sheer force of personality, to induce meat consumption in lifelong vegetarians, and have made a healthy, ecologically sound diet less popular than oral herpes. As the old joke goes, “Don’t worry about whether any of your dinner guests are vegans—they’ll let you know.”
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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
(with apologies to whoever came up with the joke at the end of the definition; if you know, please leave a comment)
