Posts Tagged ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’


ahd-144-a

(We ran this a year ago and weren’t planning to do it again, but this past bummer of a year lent this definition new relevance.)

NEW YEAR’S DAY, n. An arbitrarily chosen day, celebrated for its arbitrariness, in which the horrors of the previous year are forgotten in anticipation of those of the year to come.

The American Heretic’s Dictionary (revised & expanded), the best successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

 


Ambrose BierceFREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint’s infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly.

Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.

–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary


FORTUNATE, adj. Experiencing fewer disasters than others on the march to death.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

American Heretic's Dictionary revised and expanded by Chaz Bufe, front cover


Bierce

BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.

–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary


VEGANS, n. pl. Vegetarians on steroids. The subspecies “vegans with a vengeance” have been known, through sheer force of personality, to induce meat consumption in lifelong vegetarians, and have made a healthy, ecologically sound diet less popular than oral herpes. As the old joke goes, “Don’t worry about whether any of your dinner guests are vegans—they’ll let you know.”

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

 

(with apologies to whoever came up with the joke at the end of the definition; if you know, please leave a comment)


MORAL, adj. 1) In the conventional religious sense, anything tending to increase human misery, as in “moral conduct” and “moral standards”; 2) A term of self-approbation used by those who enjoy locking other human beings in cages.

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–from the revised and expanded edition of The American Heretic’s Dictionary, the best modern successor to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary

 


Bierce

KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary