Posts Tagged ‘The Flood’

Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, by G. Richard Bozarth, front cover

In 1947, Dr. Sebaceous Piafraus discovered the Terminally Ill Sea Scrolls in the same month the Dead Sea Scrolls were found. The Dead Sea Scrolls became internationally famous, but the Terminally Ill Sea Scrolls were consigned to obscurity, along with their discoverer. Dr. Piafraus, who endured decades of ego-bruising neglect, provides translations of well known Old Testament stories, which he insists are the most authentic versions of the stories because the Jewish end-times cult that created the Scrolls claimed that they were. These stories are more fully developed than in the Old Testament and are humorous, though some parts are appalling, because Bible stories often are appalling.

For a large pdf sample, click here.

Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, by G. Richard Bozarth, front cover

(Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, by G. Richard Bozarth, is going to the printer next week and will be available in August, 2014. Here’s an advance glimpse of the “Noah Scroll.”)

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Noah went on grimly, “The Lord also wants us to take along the microbes—”

“What the Sheol is a microbe?” Shem demanded impatiently.

“Well, it seems all diseases are caused by little animals so small you can’t even see ’em. If we don’t take ’em along, well, then there’ll be no diseases after the Flood. The Lord said he created disease microbes because there’s nothing like a serious illness to make impious people remember our loving and forgiving Lord.”

“That’s definitely our Lord,” Ham laughed. “The Lord is virtuous and benevolent; his compassion never fails. He keeps us from becoming humanists.”

“Oh, bite me!” Shem snapped nastily.

“What does this all mean?” Mrs. Noah asked fearfully, for she could tell her husband was none too happy to be the bearer of this news. After 567 years of marriage, spouses get to know each other pretty well.

Noah sighed unhappily. What a burden it was sometimes being the holiest man on the earth! He reluctantly explained, “Well, it means we all have to become diseased. The Lord wants to ensure the repopulated earth also has . . .” — he scrunched up his brow as he struggled to remember it right — “smallpox, polio, encephalitis, influenza, pneumonia, meningitis, tapeworms, trichinosis . . .” on and on he went with dreadful and awful names until even Ham was pale and trembling.

When Noah got into the sexually transmitted diseases, Mrs. Shem burst into wretched tears. “I don’t want any STDs!” she wailed. “I’ve been a good girl all my life!I don’t deserve any STDs!”

“Now, now,” Noah said as soothingly as he could, “we must do the Lord’s will.”

“I’d rather drown with all the other millions of condemned species,” Japheth cried. “We’ll die anyway with all those diseases in us!”

“I second that emotion!” Ham exclaimed passionately.

The women didn’t say anything—just wept and wailed and gnashed their pretty, white teeth.

“Now, now, it isn’t all that bad!” Noah pleaded desperately. “A lot of the animals will carry a lot of the diseases, so it’s not like we’ll be carrying all of ’em. Remember, the Lord wants us to survive, so he’ll make sure the diseases won’t kill us.”

When that proved unmollifying, he tried religious exhortation: “Come and let us sing to the Lord. Let us shout joyfully to the rock of our liberation.”

“Happiness is trusting in the Lord,” Ham replied bitterly, and for once the rest of the family agreed with him.

Noah was totally distraught. The holiest family on earth was on the point of rebellion, perhaps even on the verge of straying after other deities, and he couldn’t think of a thing to do about it except cry out, “Lord, Lord, a little help here wouldn’t be such a bad idea!”

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Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, by G. Richard Bozarth, front cover

(excerpted from Bible Tales for Ages 18 and Up, by G. Richard Bozarth)

Noah pulled Shem away when the youth’s face went purple, saying, “Come on home. We have to have a family meeting now that Japheth’s back. I’ve been talking with the Lord again.”

“Oh, great!” Shem groaned. “What now?”

“I’ll tell everybody at once,” Noah replied nervously.

Noah’s son Ham greeted them at the door with a cocky, “Hi, Pops, how’s it hangin’?”

Noah glared. “Your disrespect for your father will be your undoing, young man!” he cautioned the 82-year-old boy.

Ham grinned, feigning innocence. “Disrespect? Forget about it! Any guy that can still get it up at your age has all my respect.”

Noah considered spanking the youth, but a look at the boy’s muscular body put an end to that thought. Instead, he said gravely, “We must have a family meeting. I’ve been talking with the Lord.”

“Yikes!” Ham groaned. “Break out the lube!”

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